


How Oliver Knows

by JustAnOrdinaryFangirl



Category: How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: Angsty Schmoop, M/M, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Written before Season 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-01
Updated: 2015-12-01
Packaged: 2018-05-04 06:43:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5324381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnOrdinaryFangirl/pseuds/JustAnOrdinaryFangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oliver is always the one who falls first and the hardest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Oliver Knows

The thing is … 

Oliver loves Connor. And everybody knows it. Hell, he even told it Connor himself when had been drunk off his ass after meeting up with Michaela, Laurel and Wes in that bar. Connor had to have heard it the way he has hesitated a moment in the door before making his way over to the sofa. Oliver is always the one who falls first and the hardest. He is always the one who tries too hard in that obvious way girls and guys alike try to win a man’s heart who is way out of their league. And let’s be honest, almost every guy is out of Oliver’s league. He almost wears his heart on his sleeve and he is always afraid that they will notice and crush his heart.

It had been with Connor the same way. He had fallen fast and hard for Connor, even knowing that Connor was the worst man he could possibly fall in love with and that he would most likely break his heart. Which was exactly what happened.

Stupid, stupid Oliver. 

Why hadn’t he learnt from his mistakes from the past? He asked himself that question for weeks after he had thrown Connor out of his apartment. 

And even now, after he has taken Connor back and they are boyfriends officially … Oliver is still afraid. Mostly, he is afraid of his stupid heart that loves too much and too easily and that it might get broken again. He almost doesn’t dare to trust Connor’s feelings for him, especially since Connor is still skittish about talking about his feelings. “I really like you, too” Connor has said once. And in that moment it has been enough. Connor has the right to wait until he’s sure and ready to say it, but along with their bad track record Oliver gets more nervous and warier the longer Connor remains silent about his feelings. Because Oliver is afraid that Connor might get tired of him or will ask himself why on earth he is with Oliver, especially since he can have literally everybody. Someone who is less nerdy, more handsome and more successful. Less like Oliver, basically. 

Sometimes Oliver wonders by himself why Connor is actually with him, what Connor sees in him that he stays even though Oliver’s life has become a disaster zone with his HIV-diagnosis. Sometimes Oliver just waits for the second shoe to drop.

And if ( _when?_ ) it goes all to shit for a second time, his heart won’t be able to survive it. 

Even if Oliver is not sure of anything else, he is sure of that. 

Right now they have become a boring, cohabiting couple (everything what Connor has once despised and it baffles Oliver every morning anew that they have come so far) and they have established somewhat of a routine: Connor is usually the first one to wake up and while he goes for his obligatory morning run, Oliver snuggles further into the covers. He climbs only then out of bed, when Connor returns all sweaty and gorgeous from his run and joins him in the shower. This particular manoeuvre is quite often the reason Oliver doesn’t manage to show up on time for work. Even living with him and being confronted with Connor’s non-existent cooking skills as well as his dirty socks on a regular basis haven’t managed to make him desire Connor any less. Oliver is quite certain that it never will.

After such a shower they stumble back into their bedroom and dress themselves hastily. Usually one of them has the mind to put on the coffee pot, but normally neither of them has much time for breakfast anymore. They fill their cups-to-go with coffee (black for Connor, with sugar for Oliver) and eat sandwich or a toast while standing at the kitchen island before they hasten out of the door finally. Outside the building they usually share a quick, chaste kiss before going their separate ways for the day. It’s not more than a peck, actually. It’s a kiss couples all over the world bestow upon each other to wish their partners a good, successful day and to tell them that they love them all in that one simple chaste kiss. 

This particular morning is in no way different, until Connor leaves his lips a bit longer on Oliver’s than normally and when he does break apart from Oliver, he says quietly as though he says those words everyday: “I love you.”

The effect becomes obvious instantly. Apparently, Connor has not planned to say those words, because his eyes widen as if these words have surprised him, too. Then his gaze turns somewhat shy, even nervous. It isn’t a look Oliver has seen on Connor often. Oliver wonders briefly if Connor is as nervous and unsure as Oliver is. He marvels how that can be, especially since it has been clear since day one that Oliver loves Connor and is unable to stay away from him.

And just like that Oliver realizes that Connor has already shown him that he loves Oliver in a myriad of ways without actually saying the words. 

Oliver has known it all along.

He knows it from the way Connor looks at him sometimes, when he thinks that Oliver doesn’t notice it. The way his eyes go all soft and affectionate. But there is also a slight hint of panic that creeps into Connor’s eyes as if he is afraid that Oliver might vanish into thin air or leave him. (As if Oliver is still capable of leaving Connor. He has left that point behind a long time ago.)

He knows it from the way Connor sometimes smiles at him. It is a sweet, quite smile and there a no ulterior motives behind it. It is a smile he smiles, because Connor wants to. It is nothing like Connor’s predatory smirk he wore when he picked up Oliver in that bar, ordering two Maker’s Manhattans with two cherries already half a lifetime ago (or so it at least seems). No, this smile comes out, when it is only the two of them. Sometimes they are nestled together on Oliver’s sofa or his bed and Oliver tells Connor fun trivia about the sci-fi flick they watch or they eat dinner and while they talk this fond smile of Connor’s just comes out. That smile is Oliver’s favourite smile. He knows that it is only for him.

He also knows it since he told Connor that he is HIV-positive and Connor held him the whole night while he broke down right in his arms. Oliver burrowed himself into Connor, shivering and leaving traces of tears on Connor’s shirt as he cried himself to sleep. Connor whispered quiet, sweet reassurances, his lips leaving feather light touches – kisses – on Oliver’s forehead. That was the night Connor became Oliver’s rock and anchor just as Oliver became Connor’s in the night Connor came to his door, high and panicked and reeking of smoke.

He knows it, because Connor is still here. He was once convinced that his diagnosis would send Connor running. Still many days after that night he woke up with the dreaded feeling that this could be the day that Connor would have finally enough and leave him. But Connor stayed. He even moved in. And not only that: Connor made an effort to accompany Oliver on nearly all of his doctor appointments and held Oliver’s hand throughout them. He skipped so many classes for him that Oliver felt later guilty for making the appointments during Connor’s classes in the first place. Connor even apologized profusely whenever he wasn’t able to make it because of his work for Annalise. 

Oliver knows it, when Connor does not hesitate for one moment to touch him, to hold him, to kiss him and to sleep with him even in those moments when Oliver hesitates, because now Oliver is afraid of his sick, traitorous body that might end up hurting Connor one day. And in this way Connor gives Oliver confidence, too, that they might survive this hardship as long as they stay together. In all those moments when Connor doesn’t hesitate Oliver falls in love with him every time a bit more. Oliver’s own heart soars with his love for Connor.

The sex was always pretty great with Connor. In the beginning there was the frantic, urgent sex and they took turns in teasing the other one to a quivering, begging mess. They still have that frantic sex with Connor’s predatory smirk in place while taunting Oliver from above or with Oliver between Connor’s legs while he takes him apart bit by bit. But by now they also take the time for gentle and slow lovemaking. During these times Connor has an unabashed, honest affection in his eyes and he knows it then, too. Oliver is quite sure that he wears the exact same expression on his face. 

There are also the nights, when Connor has these horrible nightmares and from which he awakes in panic, trembling and with tears tumbling down his face. In such nights he burrows into Oliver’s side and all Oliver can do is hold this Connor, whispering sweet nothings in his ear and stroking his hair. Oliver knows it from the way Connor trusts him with this side of him, the frightened, shaken-up Connor. And even though Connor refuses to tell him what his nightmares are about, Oliver wants to be there for him and be his rock and anchor time and time again. 

Oliver still remembers Connor’s “I don’t do boyfriends” clear as a day. But he also remembers how the two of them visited Connor’s sister Gemma and how Connor introduced him as his boyfriend for the first time ever. There was no trace of hesitation in his voice. Connor’s arm laid steady and sure around his waist, squeezing his side lightly and reassuringly at Oliver’s obvious nervousness at meeting a part of Connor’s family. Remembering that moment Oliver struggles to remember why he has ever doubted the sincerity of Connor’s feelings. 

He has known it in all these moments and he knows it now, too. The wall Oliver has built around his heart is finally crumbling down. 

So that’s why Oliver cups Connor’s cheek tenderly and says simply: “I know.”

At that Connor’s mouth breaks into that beautiful, beautiful smile that’s just reserved for him and kisses him again.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally, I wanted to write something along the lines how Oliver loves the "I love you." - "I know." scene between Han and Leia in The Empire Strikes Back (because I love this scene to pieces!). It didn't quite work out that way once I got to write it and the story got a mind of its own. But I am still pretty satisfied with it.
> 
>  
> 
> Also: be gentle. English isn't my first language and it's been a while since I posted anything.  
> Reviews are always welcome.


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